guest blogger | happy holidays?


guest blogger | the life of helen banana boobs

I adore Christmas. I love the lights, the smells, the rush of Black Friday. I love seeing my family, drinking too much wine and the challenge of finding the perfect gifts. By December 26th I will probably be singing a different tune, like if I see one more piece of red or green glitter I am just going to lose my shit. But for now, I am thrilled with Christmas bliss.

But seriously…

1. What is the big deal about the Starbucks Christmas cups? Or should I say “Holiday” cups? I don’t talk religion and I really don’t care what religion you are. I don’t care if you believe in a giraffe in purple knee socks, as long as you are a happy, pleasant human being. What is SO wrong with saying Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah? Why are you so mad at the 8 lb 6 oz sweet, baby Jesus? Like, who gets mad looking at a cute baby? Or the beautiful candles of the menorah? I don’t know about you, but I like candles, I like babies and I definitely like coffee. Chill out and get excited that there is hopefully a day off in your near future. And on that day off, if you don’t want to celebrate any certain religion, I hope you at least bought some good booze to keep you company.

2. Working on the holidays. Working is not fun, but it especially sucks when you could be with family or at the very least, drunk. However, no matter how many times you post on Facebook to “avoid” the devil stores that open on Thanksgiving, please remember this: No one cares what you think. They are going to Walmart for $3.99 Memory Foam Bath Rugs and there is nothing you can do to stop them. Besides, those Walmart people are making holiday pay and nobody is upset about a little extra jingle in their pocket.

3. Black Friday. It is the Super Bowl of Shopping. Go Big or Go Home. As you might imagine, this is one of Helen’s favorite days of the YEAR. There is nothing I love more than getting a good deal. It is also prime time for people watching. I once watched grown ass women literally throwing $19.99 boots at each other in Macy’s. It was awesome. Every year I see someone with an excessive amount of $5 Barbies in their cart. What are you doing to do with all of those Barbies? Do you have 47 daughters? Are you trying to kill the joy of all of the other little girls that want Barbies for Christmas? God, Santa hates you.

4. Elf of the Shelf. There is not a thing I hate more than that son of a b*tch, Elf on the Shelf. What special type of mommy-hating spawn of satan developed this thing? When we got our sweet little Elf, I thought this was the greatest thing EVER. So cute, with his darling little story, and sugary smile. Well when the kids were young, you could move him around a few times and mostly they wouldn’t notice. And THEN, all of the sudden—Mommy, I am so sad, our elf didn’t move last night, do you think that he was upset because I was naughty? Sweet lord in heaven, I am lucky enough if I get my kids out the door with their hair combed and now I have to move this damn Elf around too? Then it is like battle of the Facebook one-uppers to see who can make their elf do the most creative and unique things. Do you want to know what my elf did last night? He fell in my wine and drown. So there is that.

5. The new boyfriend…to buy him a gift or not buy him a gift? I am currently suckering a nice man into thinking I am quite wonderful. We are still in the new, really fun stage where everything is shiny and life is grand. But here come the holidays…So where do we stand? Are we serious enough to buy one another gifts? Do I buy him something little or like something nice? What if I buy him a watch and he gets me a stuffed bear with a Santa hat? I am not going to be able to hold back the “where the hell are the rest of my gifts?” comment. Like, if I rip this bear’s head off is there a better gift inside? The gifting in a new relationship is a very delicate balance between “you are WAY too into me, so we are breaking up” gift and a “you are an absolute cheapskate, so we are breaking up” gift.

6. Spending time with weird family members…everyone has them. There is always that one condescending Uncle that makes everyone feel like crap. Who died and made you the smartest man alive? Because you are not smart, you are just a douche rocket. Or maybe for you, it’s the drunk Aunt that hugs you a little too long with her scotch breathe all over your face. Get lost. Maybe it’s the cousin that is a total one-upper. No one even wonders why she never brings a man home at Christmas. I swear, family time during the holidays is when pot brownies were invented. Lucky for me, my family is perfect. (That’s the pot brownies talking*)

Merry Stinking Christmas to all of my favorite readers & fellow bloggers! I’d like to send a special gift to one of my readers, please comment below and you will be entered for a special gift from me!


*Disclaimer: Hugs not drugs baby.

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