guest blogger | sweet sweet summer

Jul
28

guest blogger | the life of helen banana boobs

Summertime. Its only the greatest time of the year. Disagree? Oh yeah, I forgot, your opinion is terrible. But really…how can you NOT love summer? Warm sunshine, sandals, and a carefree attitude. I’m leaving out the negatives like bugs, sweating, leg chaffing (I lost my “thigh gap” at age 3), and sunburns.

For me, all great things in this life, also come with serious annoyances. Facebook, for example.  Now that it’s basically the way you communicate with anyone you’ve had contact with since 1985, you can see every annoying thing everyone does every. single. day.

SUMMER CONCERTS //

This applies to any concert, for me, but they are just more frequent in the summer. For the love of everything holy, please stop taking shitty, grainy pictures of Garth Brooks, Five Finger Death Punch, and Def Leppard. Immediately. I am actually excited for you that you get to attend a concert, drink beer, and watch an awesome show. But let’s be serious, friends, Mick Jagger looks pretty terrible already, without adding your poor quality cell phone shots, from your nose bleed seats. Also, the videos with mostly darkness, flash lighting, and the only thing you can actually hear is your god-awful soprano voice hitting notes that Luke Bryan never intended his songs to sound like. PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN. Instead of taking those pictures, enjoy the experience or spend your time photo bombing strangers, because THAT is something I would like to see.

SPEEDING TICKETS //

In the summer months, police are everywhere. I have the utmost respect for the police and there is nothing I love more than a man in uniform, BUT my lead foot gets to have more conversations with the men and women in black than I would like to. I am not a great driver. I tend to be busy singing along with Beyoncé and not realize I am going too fast. This happens a lot. Like a lot. Every time it goes like this:

“Excuse me, Miss Banana Boobs, do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Yes, Officer SexyPants, I was speeding.”

“Well, I’ll let you go this time, but please slow down.”

No, actually that never happens. NEVER. I always end up stuttering over my words, apologizing, and driving off with a $250 fine and more points on my license. People are always giving me suggestions, like “oh you should cry or show a little boob.” These are both crap ideas. I have cried before, because getting pulled over IS upsetting to me, but this doesn’t work to my favor because I am the world’s UGLIEST crier. Like hideous. Last time I cried on a police officer, he was like — “Uh, ma’am, I cannot let you go until you calm down. Maybe you should take some deep breaths.” Meanwhile, there is snot running out of my nose and I am hiccuping. Yep, still walked away with that ticket. I have never bothered to show any officer my chest, cause there is a reason they are called banana boobs and ain’t nobody wanna see that. The officer would throw up in his mouth and my fine would probably double.

WEARING LESS CLOTHES //

I love clothes. I love shopping. I love fashion. Well, the older I get and the more strange things my body does to betray me, the more long pants and sweaters I want to put on to cover it up. I adore summer fashion, the dresses, floppy hats, and bathing suits, but when it’s 80 degrees and 99 percent humidity, there is nothing cute about it. You have no choice, but to put on as little clothing as possible or risk heat stroke.  Everything you have on is sticking to you like glue, sweat is pouring, your hair is like a bad Halloween wig and you are covered in crack-head like bug bites. There goes your #ootd (outfit of the day, for those less skilled in the world of ridiculous social media acronyms). I also despise making the effort of shaving my legs every day in order to wear less clothes. In the dead of winter, you can skip shaving for weeks and not a soul will know. In summer, all of a sudden you are accused of sporting the “French” look. People are so judgy. For me, the beauty of swampy days is that everyone is outside in the dutch oven together and no one looks that great.

I am going to go outside, sweat like crazy and soak in the rays. Summer is more than half over and despite a few annoyances, it will always be my favorite time of the year.

Love, Helen.

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