guest blogger | lets get real, surviving and thriving through single life


guest blogger series

So, Megan’s last blog post has inspired me to get real, because lets face it our virtual selves show very little of the life we actually lead. It is very hard for me to share personal things because well — they’re personal. I’m not a cryptic status writer or a quote sharer, I stopped writing personal things on Facebook years ago when I learned a lesson or two. I, as a whole only share things with close friends and some family. So what has pushed me to finally open up about a present reality in my life you ask? Well like I said, Megan’s previous post and the fact that I know I am not the only one and maybe I could help someone else who is maybe at the beginning of their journey.

I have been single for roughly 4 years. I was in an off and on relationship for far to long that ended very dramatically. Long story short, he was not right for me or Lola so therefore it didn’t work and should have never went on as long as it did. To this day I have not been through something so completely consuming. The break up completely and totally consumed my mind, body, and soul for year. I of course, as so many do sought out love in other men trying to soothe the loneliness and heart-break. I thought that I could never be happy unless I fell in love again and had someone to help me through life. I made bad decisions. Nothing made it better, except for time. After I finally figured out that another man was not the solution, I spent a long time with just Lola and I. No texting, calling, or seeking out men — this is the only thing that made me see clearly. It made me a better mother and over all made me happier than I had been in a long time. I was no longer seeking out someone else to fulfill my happiness. I was making my own happiness doing things that I enjoyed. I was no longer making irrational decisions. My decisions were based on my daughter and my own judgment solely.

This has not been an easy journey. I faltered once and thought I could make something work with the wrong guy again… thinking that you could force something because it looked good on paper. But the fact is that if you have a bad feeling or someone doesn’t want you there is a reason for that. The reason is they are not the right person, it’s not “well he had his heart-broken” or “he just needs to get past some issues” — those answers are not your problems, they are his. So they should not be effecting you or your heart. You are not theirs to take out their issues on you are your own person with your own issues! Let them take care of themselves because chances are even if you do stick it out it’s not going to work out well for you in the end.

And now here I am… finding myself unable to make a connection with anyone at this point. I find myself puzzled at how people can have so many relationships. How can you fall in love so easily? How can you even LIKE so many people? It’s mind-blowing to me and sometimes I find myself wishing I could be that way… and then I come back to reality.  I constantly wonder whether I have emotional issues that I’m not aware of. Have I built a wall that I can’t even see? If my soul mate was right in front of me would I even be able to let him in? I no longer dream of the perfect wedding day or having a husband. Those things barely cross my mind anymore. And I am always wondering if there is just plain and simply something wrong with me or if maybe I am meant to be alone. But through all of that the good out ways the bad.

My daughter doesn’t remember any of the things from my last relationship. She has never had to experience fighting or men in and out of our lives. She has barely even seen me with a man.  She has had a steady home and stability in her life. Now that she is older I have committed to not having men in our home unless I would be very sure about them. The things I have are because I worked for them. I do not owe anything in my house to a man.  All of these things make me feel ok with being single. I would rather have this than dysfunction and drama even if it does seem hopeless from time to time.

The thing is being single is hard, for men and women. But the solution to happiness is never in another person. I have accomplished more in the time that I have been single than I ever dreamed. I feel that I have become the best mother I could be while being single. I have standards now that I have for the most part held on to when it comes to dating. I am myself no matter who I may be around. I dress the way I like, I decorate the way I like, I live the way I see fit. I have not lost hope in finding my soul mate but I have however become enlightened. Soul mates don’t fall off trees and I am willing to wait and not settle, no matter how long it may take. I hope if you are reading this as a single person/single mom that this article helps give you strength to hold out for the right one and not to settle. To start working on making your own happy life instead of relying on another party.  I hope that it helps you see the light on the other side.

Love, Victoria.

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