guest blogger | helen speaks

Feb
2

guest blogger | the life of helen banana boobs

Helen is feeling frisky tonight. Its been a long week, filled with exhausting people and too little sleep. Just a few things that are on my mind and seriously annoying.

Passwords: Do you know that I literally have to keep a list of all my passwords for the 7 million things I need to do on a daily basis in my life? No longer can just make your password “wetfart” for everything. First you had to start adding numbers, then a capitalized letter. I got really pissed when I had to add a character to everything. Now it ask you for your social security number, the date you lost your virginity, your DNA code and what time you had your last bowel movement. Listen folks, I have no money, my private life is often on Facebook or provided to others through the rumor mills of small town America. I have nothing to hide. If someone stole my identity, my credit score would probably go up. Please let my password be: computer1234. Thanks.

Diets: It’s about that time for me to go on one. My body shape has moved on from a little plump to busted can of biscuits. When I scream obscenities while putting on my pants in the morning, my youngest often reminds me that she is going to wash my mouth out with soap. I literally don’t care what people think about wearing leggings as pants. They ARE pants and it would be wise not to argue with Little Debbie over here about my choice of pants. Aint nobody want to mess with chubby Helen, cause she is not happy. Besides, when nothing else fits, a little camel toe is acceptable. P.S. Erica, I will be calling you soon.

Ex’s: I still don’t know why there isn’t an island for them all to live on with no cell phone service. Then they can all go suck at life together in one place and leave me alone. Maybe it’s the cold weather, but I was contacted by a total of three in the past week. What is it about my, “I would rather be sober for the rest of my life before speaking to you again” comment that you didn’t quite get? No, I don’t want to tell you how I am doing and I certainly don’t want to talk about your feelings. For the love of God.

Grocery Shopping: I will stop at a convenience store, steal ketchup packets from work or do anything possible to avoid a trip to the grocery store. First off, every time you go and you look like a supermodel, you do not see a single soul. But the minute you walk up in there in yogas & Uggs with no mascara? Yep, small talk for days. “Yeah, I DID see there was a meat sale!” “No, I didn’t get my discount meat, but how is your mom?” But my favorite is buying just enough groceries for dinner and a few snacks. Off to the checkout line where it costs you $73. No, I didn’t want to send my kid to college, just buy groceries. Sorry kids, no college for you, we are too busy paying a fortune in loaves of bread and juice boxes.

Helen Lovers… Do you ever think, What Would Helen Say? Haha, I know you don’t because you NEVER know what Helen is going to say. Clearly Helen doesn’t think before she speaks. It’s a blessing and a curse. I have a little surprise coming in the future and guess what?? It means more Helen in your life… Helen on your birthday, Helen on your anniversary, Helen when you just feel like sending out some snark. Figure it out?

Guys, I love writing this blog, but what I love even more is when I hear back from all of you! What annoys you? What do you LOVE that I can make fun of you about? What topic do you want to hear Helen’s thoughts on?

Love, Helen.

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