guest blogger | adulting

Oct
20

guest blogger | the life of helen banana boobs

While having a conversation with the kiddos recently, one of them spouted off at the mouth and said, “I can’t wait to be an adult”. I immediately slapped her face* and told her to get out of here with that garbage. Being an adult is the worst. I proceeded to tell her the 78 thousand things wrong with being an adult. Besides your body basically shutting down and giving you the finger, here is a few more highlights of Helen’s life lessons on why being adult is the pits:

1. That old people smell. This is not a joke, its lurking around the corner for everyone. It’s stale and musty and reminds you of your grandparent’s attic. Any one that says, aww… my grandma smells like chocolate chip cookies and hugs, is pretty much a huge liar. I would think twice about your friendship with that person, because what else are they lying about?

2. Having pets — and taking care of them. Dear Animal Rights Activists, before you get all excited here, please keep reading. I adore my pets. They are soft and cuddly and love you when you are sad. But taking care of the little fur balls can be exhausting. And completely gross. Cats — you literally scoop sand-covered doodies like you are digging for a treasure. The only treasure there is testing out your gag reflex. Dogs — nothing is better than trying to walk through your yard and missing land mines like you are Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible. I also love vacuuming fur and finding holes in my leather furniture. Okay, so my pets are naughty*. Which some may say is a reflection of their owner.

3. Bills. Remember when getting mail used to be fun? Yeah, me too. Now it is a different bill, every single day. I am really proud of everything I have, but nothing chaps my ass more than paying student loans. I hate this bill above all others because it just never ever goes away. If I could do it all over again, I would have just skipped college and went straight to pole dancing*. This would give others a good opportunity to try out their gag reflex without ever having to own a cat. You are WELCOME.

4. Cooking meals. Nothing is worse than coming home from a long crappy day and having to get your shit together and produce something edible. I literally have cereal and toast at least two nights a week because I loathe turning on the stove that much*. I recently discovered Hello Fresh, which basically dumbs down cooking for the culinary-challenged like myself. I hate every person that says, “OMG, I just love cooking dinner”. You know who you are. So while you are busy trying to audition for Top Chef, please just throw an extra steak on the grill for me. Thanks.

5. Going to work. Every day. All day. Don’t get me wrong, I actually like my job. My co-workers aren’t all neurotic lunatics and I am grateful to be working when so many people are down on their luck. But when you are in high school and college, dreaming about the big bucks, no one tells you how incredibly boring and monotonous life can become. And why every person in the universe didn’t become teachers, with summers off is beyond me. Also going to work requires pants. I would just rather stay home with no pants.

This list shall be continued… I have to go do adult things like put laundry away.

Love,
Helen.

*Disclaimers for the sensitive: I clearly did not slap my children or anyone else’s children. This might get me sent to the clink and I am too cute for prison. I really like my pets, they are very spoiled. I have never aspired to be a pole dancer full-time, but I wouldn’t mind this as a part-time gig. I actually eat toast for dinner and I am ok with it. Judge away, Judy.

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