“You need to love yourself before you can truly love someone else.”
What the eff does that mean? Seriously? I can honestly tell you that out of all the statements you read in magazines, blogs, etc — that one used to confuse me the most. How do you “love yourself?” Isn’t that a little conceited? Aren’t you supposed to say “my nose looks huge!” when you see a picture of yourself? Aren’t supposed to think that the passions we have might be a little silly or unrealistic? And Lord knows that every failed relationship we have been in, is because we are not enough or too much, right?
The answer to all those questions is “no.” Just “NO.” But first, I’m going to take you on a little trip down memory lane, my memory lane that is. I grew up and still live in a small town. I have always, probably since I could breathe, been madly and deeply in love with fashion and make up. Well guess what? When you live in the middle of no where, it turns out those things are not really embraced. As a matter of fact, they are quite the opposite. So, immediately from the time my mother bought be that satin co-ord set that had lime green pants and a button up shirt, (it was the 90s) in second grade, I was made fun of. I mean, probably no more than any other kid but, it still made me feel awful, like something was wrong with me. This continued into high school. A girl that was a few years older than me pulled me out of my homeroom to tell me “who do you think you are wearing all that makeup? You need your ass kicked.” You know what else isn’t cool in high school? Being tall and thin with a large nose. So I was constantly told things like “ew, do you starve yourself” and “did you break your nose?” Sounds like a fast track to self-loathing, eh? Then come boys.
Ah, yes I remember my first boyfriend. I also remember wanting to shape myself to be exactly what he wanted just to keep him, which meant bye-bye, fashion-forward loving me. How could you hold onto a boy, wearing clothes that he doesn’t understand? And shouldn’t you gain some weight? I mean, guys like big butts right? This was a vicious cycle throughout my life. Always wanting and trying to be something else. Always trying to be what I thought others wanted.
It wasn’t until my off-and-on boyfriend of 4 years and I broke up, that things started to click. Gasp! Something good can come from being single? Yes, it can. After a year of grieving that relationship, I finally started to feel good again. I started to do things just because I liked to do them. Like wearing high-waisted pants (they had just came into style and were still a little fashion-forward) and wearing my hair in a sleek bun. Things I always wanted to try, but would have never done. I started to embrace my flaws. I didn’t worry about my big nose or stretch marks as much. Even though, at first, I felt silly doing it. I started a fashion and makeup Instagram account (look where is has led and is still leading) and recently I did the unthinkable — I cut my effing hair! And I LOVE IT.
I can’t lie and say that I am completely free of insecurities, because I’m not. Now that I gained that weight I thought I wanted, I get insecure about that. I obsess over my lumps and bumps sometimes. And I still wonder why my relationships seem to always fail. But, this is a journey right? One that I’m committed to for myself and for my daughter. So I am beginning to love myself. For exactly who I am. I am embracing my passions that others thought were silly and unrealistic. I quit beating up my body so much everyday. I started to tell myself, “damn, your hair looks good!” instead of “ew, look at your stretch marks.” I started to accept the fact that I am good at certain things, like fashion, makeup, and making others laugh and feel good about themselves. It has enabled me to do so much. I am still on this “self-love” journey, but I am confident that it will take me places that I never thought it could. You could say, I’m obsessed with becoming a woman comfortable in her own skin.
Yes, I realize that is a popular quote but, I don’t care.
Love, Victoria.Tags: be you, be yourself, blu blonde, fashion, fashion-forward, instagram, journey, love yourself, makeup, self-loathing, self-love, victoria